Career Goals

June 20 2017 11:43pm

Wall of incoherent and pointless midnight musings.

Projecting a happy life on social media has become somewhat imperative. But are we, really? Sometimes I feel like a pathetic old scum when I rant about nonsense. My hands are quite full, when am not tied up in a bus on a roadtrip somewhere, I read, when am not reading, I run and watch people aimlessly at grandstand ( I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo yip), when I’m not running, I’m probably on duty or asleep or scrambling at the internet checking on itineraries on how to backpack SEA the cheapest possible way. In between my somewhat packed daily routine, I think about life, mine in particular and the people around me. I think about how happy and accomplished and purposeful their lives are and how unaccomplished mine is compared to theirs. I stare at the photos, waters splashing on cameras, foods that appear so delectable, outfits, poses and smiles that seem to have been well rehearsed that’s supppsed to wow its audience. I look at the smiles and eyes carefully, some appear to be genuinely happy, others suggest that they are only posting said stuff to update peeps that they are into something nice and noble, delicious and happy. Then I think about what happens to them behind facebook. Are they really happy? How much did it cost her to buy that coffee at Bo’s while completely ignoring the bills at home? Did her boyfroend really gave her those flowers? Or how much does he really care about his parents? While it is certainly none of my friggin business to pry into their personal affairs, one simply cannot tuck those questions away. Well, for someone like me who is painfully plagued by existential crisis, these questions hover over my head when I’m not unto something. So, where am I getting at? Hmmm, let’s see. I follow facebook pages that documents the war in Syria, the hunger in Africa and other extreme situations around the world and I want to hop into action. For me that’s what I need to do. The missions are calling me (charaught). I volunteered three years ago to become a full fledged nurse, Haiyan was the catalyst. Ofcourse my reasonable aim was to get enough experience, fly abroad, get rich, wear golds around my neck and fingers and live happily ever after. But at the depths of my heart and my soul, I knew I wanted to do something more profound and meaningful. I want to serve the communities that does not have the luxury of education or healthcare. I want to use my skills as a nurse to help these people. (In short, I want to save the world. Huehuehue. ) Somewhere far and remote. Maybe in a jungle somewhere in Brazil with alligators and anacondas just around the corner. It would be a nice adventure. But far fetch. Heck, I couldn’t even volunteer at Marawi. :(. Anyways, I took the necessary steps to get to that goal, I applied online at VSO and UN, and I failed miserably. Said I need to have a five year field experience and a Masters for that slot. The reason why I enrolled for a Masters at UP really, is not for promotion, (although that would be a very good bonus tbfh). It’s for me to qualify at a UN post someday. I really want to break away from the clutches of comfort and pretenses. Earlier, I found myself helplessly praying (which I haven’t done for almost two years now) for a miracle that I be assigned at the ER, as prep for what I intend to do in five or ten years. It seems like this is the kind of thing I have absolutely no control of. God wouldn’t be happy. If there ever is one. Anyways, if you got to the end of this wall of a text, can you recommend an institution that travels for a cause? Say a medical mission in remote places in Leyte or anywhere in the Philippines.? I’m physically fit, that I assure, so climbing mountains and long stretches of hikes wouldn’t be a problem. I just want to prepare myself in my attempt to save the world. Charaught. Hkhkhk.

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Tales of an Ordinary Woman

“There’s still beauty in the world.
There are so many things to be grateful for no matter how messed up your life is.
Sometimes we just need a pause to appreciate what we have.
Today I’m grateful for
Having two annoying old folks who love me the most and worry about me all the time.
The morning coffee, for fixing up my mood pretty well.
Mother nature, for covering our world in beauty.
Rainbows, for a stunning sight to look forward to after the rain.
I’m thankful for
The disappointment, for I now know the things that matter the most.
All the pain, the tears and heartbreaks, for I now stand stronger and braver. Being a better person.
And I can’t be more grateful for kind strangers for brightening up my day when I least expect it.
I’m thankful for music for lifting my spirit up to the clouds when I’m feeling down.
I’m thankful for my precious books. I turn to them whenever I feel lost and each time I open one, I’m simply found.
There are so many things to be grateful for.
And I thank God for all His blessings.”—Rahma Djebbari, Tales of an Ordinary Woman.

What am I doing with my life?

You ever had that moment when you’re just laying down in bed and looking at the still dark, early morning sky through your window and thinking, “What the hell am I doing with my life?” You keep at it for god knows how long until the sky eventually turns a dim shade of periwinkle and you’re still no closer to the answer you were looking for.

Then, you get up because it’s time to cook breakfast — that key-in-the-ignition part that starts your day anew. From here on out, everything is cemented in a routine that you can do them all with your eyes closed or half your mind flying off into a happier place where you don’t twist yourself into different shapes trying to find a reason for what you do. Or why you exist. So from the first bite of your breakfast to the last spoonful of your dinner, you successfully evade the question that you know will be waiting for you patiently in bed anyway when you come back to it tired from work just to haunt you again to the wee hours of the morning ’til the sun comes up and you’re still none the wiser.

What am I doing with my life?

Rants of an overworked, underpaid, confused public nurse.

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You know what? I was thinking, my supervisors’ demands are impossibly ridiculous. They wanted us to do the ideal. Plot VS without fail, accurate IandO, update charts and Kardex,make laboratory, blood and procedure requests, distribute containers. Log requests forwarded to lab, list oxygen and linen consumption, chek e.cart, CSR and medical/surgical supplies. They want us to do EVERYTHING FLAWLESSLY. The thing here is, the census is goddamn 82, no NA, no lifter and there were only three staff nurses. It is a medical ward, I had two ongoing transfusions when I received my patients, two for extraction and another one for BT. Each of us had one intubated patient. To sum up, it is a medical ward slash toxic ward. No chill patients there. All these and there is not an ounce of understanding from their part. Instead, they see us as lazy ass nurses who are underperforming in their job. Here is my two cents on this whole thing. Respect begets respect. If they cannot give us that, then there is no way we are giving it to them(especially this Lianni Nunez). If they see us as dumb people, The we will give them dumb.

 

I Want A Laidback Love

I want a laidback love. An uncomplicated love. A love that makes me feel safe and protected, like I am in the right place at the right time.

I want date nights in bed, munching on pizza and watching YouTube videos from our laptops. I want to stroll through shopping malls and home goods stores, browsing for knickknacks to decorate our apartment. I want to grab coffee together and sip from the cups at a round table outside or while we’re driving back to our place and singing along to our favorite songs from the nineties.

I want to spend some lazy weekends at home instead of always getting dressed up for parties and clubs where we would have to scream to hear each other. I want to sit on opposite ends of the same couch with my feet on your lap, reading while you play video games or catch up on a show I have zero interest in watching. I want to spend quiet quality time together, even if we are not talking.

I want to date someone who makes me feel loved just by being in the same room. A love that doesn’t need giant romantic gestures on anniversaries and holidays because feelings are shown every single day with hand holds and forehead kisses and surprise candy brought home from the store.

I want a love that makes me feel spoiled — not because I am being showered with material items, but because I am being acknowledged and appreciated and seen.

I want sleepy conversations at the end of the night where we talk about silly hypothetical situations. I want random texts that will make me burst into laughter while I’m at work. The little things matter more to me than diamond bracelets and plane tickets.

I don’t want your money. And I don’t want an exciting, romantic comedy type love filled with midnight fights and make-out sessions in the rain. I want a comforting love. A reliable love. I want to fall asleep with my head pressed against your chest. I want to wake up to the smell of pancakes on the stove. I want to develop an after work routine I look forward to for eight hours straight.

I want to stay home and bake cookies together. I want to drink alone in our living room. I want to cuddle in our underwear. I want to take selfies the internet will never see because they are intimate, private, only for us.

I want an authentic love. I don’t want the kind of relationship that only looks good online and in public. I want us to be at our happiest when we are alone, when no one is around for us to impress, when we are just being ourselves.

I want a laidback love. A love that doesn’t need expensive getaways and couples retreats in order to stay strong. I want a love that is exciting even when it’s ‘boring.’ I want a love that makes the most ordinary days feel like something special.

Food at Vikings Luxury Buffet

Fam, I tried to eat slowly but it was impossible. I had arrived with an empty stomach, and somewhere in the midst of the competing aromas and the beauty of the tables, I had become thoroughly famished. After three platesful of dishes in which more than half of them are unfamiliar specimens to my stomach, I couldn’t take another bite. Right at that moment, I couldn’t have fervently hoped for larger intestines to accomodate all of the foods I wanted to devour. I was so full I was literally gasping for air. It’s always fun and exciting to eat, I would never understand people who would deliberately limit their intake in hopes of slimmer bodies. 😂😂😂

Musings#1

❝ You have to accept that some people are not made for deep conversations, or for holding you together when you’re about to fall apart, or for keeping you from unzipping your skin, or for talking you out of suicide, or to love you through the worst moments of your life. Some people are made for shallow exchanges, and ridiculous banter, and nothing more. And that’s okay. That doesn’t make them horrible people because they simply aren’t able to handle a storm like you. It doesn’t make you a bad person because you won’t divulge all the gritty details of your horror show. It makes you smart. You have to accept that there will be people that cannot give you what you need. It doesn’t mean they are not worth keeping in your life. You just have to figure out who these ones are before you’re disappointed. And you have to keep them at arm’s length. You cannot expect everyone in your life to understand, to be nonjudgmental, to get it. But that’s okay, because not everyone was made to impart wisdom, or wax-poetic, or speak on politics and the depravity of society, or discuss how crucial it is that the stigma of mental illness be abolished. There are times when you have to get away from all that heaviness. You have to. And you will need superficial conversation about Kim Kardashian’s arse, or a debate on the color of The Dress. You will need those ones. So don’t go round cutting people off and dropping your friends. You need people for all your seasons. You need people or you won’t survive this. ❞

—Anonymous, What my therapist told me this morning
random musings